It's that special time again - a time when the world sets aside their petty strife to come together in more or less completely ignoring the Winter Olympics. Except curling, of course. Anytime I happen to catch the Olympics in broadcast, I have invariably located 3 straight hours of grand-semi-finale curling competition. What curling is, basically, is the stupidest sport on the face of the planet earth.
See, one guy pushes off at the far end of an ice rink, frozen into a long, crouching pose. After gliding in suspended animation for no less than 25 minutes, he unleeshes the fury that is his athletic skill and gently releases a big rock with a handle. This is when a pair of ushers storm the rink with squeegeez and begin buffing the ever loving crap out of the ice in the path of the gliding handle-rock. After all, these are the Olympics, and the last thing that rock needs is a nick in the ice to trip him on his 40 yard journey toward a couple of rings painted under the ice. Once it lands, the officials come in to realize what a mistake they made going to Curling Officiation School all those 9 years.
The only other thing I've seen is the halfpipe. For those unfamiliar, the halfpipe is a special trail designed for snowboarders with a wild aversion to remaining on the ground. Points are awarded to the snowboarder who performs the most interesting mid-air spaz-attacks without landing teeth first back on the trail. Carrot Top is currently the best in the world as this particular event. Honestly, I had no idea he even snowboarded. That's the Olympics for you, I guess.
The only other thing I've seen is the halfpipe. For those unfamiliar, the halfpipe is a special trail designed for snowboarders with a wild aversion to remaining on the ground. Points are awarded to the snowboarder who performs the most interesting mid-air spaz-attacks without landing teeth first back on the trail. Carrot Top is currently the best in the world as this particular event. Honestly, I had no idea he even snowboarded. That's the Olympics for you, I guess.
Carrot Top Celebrating The Gold
Though it must be recognized that, while the rest of the world tunes in to find that bob-sledding is no where as dramatic or funny as Cool Runnings made it seem, children everywhere are being inspired to one day reach for winter gold themselves. World-wide, they're heading out to learn to ski and snow-board and push rocks across their driveways while freinds squeegee like mad and parents are coming outside to explain how hockey is actually played.
What The Winter Olympics Look Like In My Head
By Dave Beauchene
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