Award Shows Are Stupid

Rhinestones and Fro-Hawks - A Winning Combination Huh?

It's taken me a while, but I've finally sorted it out. Awards shows are stupid. Not in every aspect, not in every nomination or award, but on the whole they cannot be trusted. The case that convinced me? This year's Grammy Awards, and for two prime reasons. Number one: The Black Eyed Peas were nominated for Album of The Year. Number two: Taylor Swift won Album of The Year.

Take a moment and consider that term: Album Of The Year.

While it must be considerate of, say, cultural relevance in that a collection of songs may dominate a year of popular music, surely there is also an implication of musical quality. I am not one to discern this quality, most often, but I am never the less definitively clear about the following: The Black Eyed Peas are terrible. No, they are. Horrible. Their music is relentlessly tuneless, insipid, and idiotic. Their gimmick is that four elaborately dressed people stand side by side on stage dancing both independently and poorly while shouting awful, repetitive lyrics about nothing. They took Dick Dale's Miserlou (aka, The Pulp Fiction Theme) and simply added themselves going "PUMP it!...PUMP it!" on certain beats. They are terrible. Terrible, terrible, terrible. Terrible.

And their album The End was nominated for Album of The Year. I don't care if every track occupied the number one spot for the entire length of the CD's release - if major cities renamed themselves after group members; no amount of cultural relevance can make up for music as crappy as what the Black Eyed Peas have created for years. This is not my opinion against what may very well be yours; so much of what I dislike I am content to simply dislike. The Black Eyed Peas suck at making music. Millions of people on this earth are better at it, none of whom will ever be included in an Album of The Year nomination.

But there is at least some manner of distinction between the Black Eyed Peas and their insanely superior contemporaries. I know that Taylor Swift has not written her songs for me or men of my demographic, and I'm not out to take shots at her for not being more like Bob Dylan. Her success makes sense to me and I am fine with her existence within popular music. It's just that I've heard her songs for decades. I have. I heard them when they were called "Kiss Me" and "Torn" and...I can't even remember the myriad tunes by sweet young women that sound Just Like what Taylor Swift is creating now. Her songs are agreeable, and surely better than I could create, but bland and obvious and corny. And perennial.

Did the Album of The Year have to go to my favorite band? Absolutely not. I could, first and foremost, not care much less about the Grammies, but the mere fact that music's big night for awards crowned a pop CD as politely blithe as Taylor Swift's "Fearless" as best for the whole year is...striking. It's stupid. It strains for conceivability. It makes the whole industry seem cockeyed and disoriented. Either 2009 was not a good year for music, or the Grammies have a screw loose.

And awards shows do this year after year after year, and yet we never stop watching them or believing their hype. Lets try a thought experiment: How well do you remember the film "Shakespeare In Love?" I am going to guess that if you can recall the movie at all, your recollections are likely mild at best, that you have not watched it in years and have no plans to bring this streak to an end. And yet Shakespeare In Love won best picture in 98' over "Saving Private Ryan". You remember that movie a little better, don't you? Everyone does. Its a better, more important movie.

The thing is that it seems these academies and...whichever collections of informed critical minds, have a great way of over estimating their current subjectivity, of vaulting what is planely so, such as the Black Eyed Peas creating bad music, and attempting to uncover a less obvious perception of art in current supply. Yes! We're giving best picture to a film about Shakespeare's inspiration in the form of a comedic romance...OVER a World War 2 movie! A really, really good World War Two movie by a great director! Wrap your brains around THAT, viewing public!

Lets try another thought experiment: When I say the following, what is the first thing that comes to mind?

Milli Vanilli.

Admit it: Grammy Winners was not top of the list.

By Dave Beauchene