American Idol: Or Why I Believe Most People Want To Be Euthanized

Perhaps The Greatest Testament To The Power Of Human Initiative

American Idol has jumped head first into its 9th season as American's once again become complacent with their own boredom. Watching musical, or any any talent based competition, on television is the high school show choir equivalent of watching the World Series of Poker, the National Spelling Bee, or paint drying.

Idol has never presented anything new to the American populace yet season after wretchedly dull season this show wraps itself in that cool new car smell. Can't you feel the drama and the anticipation pulsate through your very being every January when you know the search for the next great One-Hit-Wonder will begin? It's a huge money making scam that runs on replaceable parts.

This is what baffles me most about the long running success of Simon Cowell's brainchild: If American Idol went off the air today, what would be its legacy? Yes it has given birth to 3 passable stars that seem to have justified their existence in Kelly Clarkson, Carrie Underwood and Jordin Sparks. But take a closer look at the show's track record and you discover just how mundane and unimportant is truly is.

The voters have elected 8 singers over the years who are supposed to encompass everything that the masses want in a pop star. However over half of the winners have been relegated to obscurity. Time for a quick game of "Where Are They Now?"

• Ruben Studdard was America's favorite stunt double for the giant boulder that tumbles after Harrison Ford in Raiders Of The Lost Ark. In 2003 he vaulted to fame based off his smooth R&B voice and his southern charm. Then he released his craptastic single "Sorry For 2004", put out 2 more records to the attention of no one - now he's got a greatest hits album coming out. Career over.
• Fantasia Barrino looked like she was going to be the next breakout star from the series. Her first album sold 1.8 million copies. But in a true testament to the fickleness of American Idol fans, her second record barely sold 500,000 units. Sure she didn't fall on her face - but can you name me 5 of her songs?
• Taylor Hicks was the man, and if you didn't think so his hit men dubbed "the soul patrol" would beat you mercilessly. But that was while he was on the show. Ever since he's faded into obscurity. His latest album debuted at a whimpering 56 on the Billboard charts and sold only 9,000 copies its first week.
• David Cook sold a million copies of his first record, but I bet you didn't know that before reading this.
• Kris Allen beat Mr. Flamboyant, Adam Lambert, and went on to sell only 250,000 copies of his first album, one of the lowest debuts for any American Idol winner.

Those are just the winners. However American Idol seems to be more famous for the rejects that appear on the competition. William Hung and General Larry Platt are the epitome of 15 minute fame. Hung became everyone's favorite tone deaf Mandarin while Platt became everyone's ambiguously gay former general. Yes both were funny and entertaining for all the wrong reasons, but at the same time these two are perhaps more famous than many (if not all) of the former winners I just listed.

And what about the other contestants that achieved fame for not winning? Chris Daughtry, Adam Lambert, Clay Aiken have all gone on and achieved fame and fortune - but their music is just as contrived, bland and mediocre as those who have won. Just because you make radio friendly cock rock or dentist office music doesn't mean you're good - it means you're a puppet on a string.

And who can forget the great judges? A British guy with a penchant for wearing t-shirts that show the exact shape and size of his nipples paired brilliantly with a coke head and a guy who used to play for Journey - these are the ones trusted with helping to select the next great American song bird? Paula Abdul brought the show unwanted scandal when she slept with one of the contestants - who's now in jail by the way.

So here is where we stand - 8 seasons, 8 winners, 5 no bodies, 3 proven stars, 3 highly fashionable yet incredibly pilled out judges, countless You Tube moments and a too many facepalms to count. I propose that American Idol only serves to fill the empty void left by Uncle Sam's unwillingness to give in and allow for legal euthanization. Because why else would people want to sit and watch programming this mind numbingly awful? Because this is America and we're used to it I suppose.