The Black Eyed Peas Are Prostitutes In Denial

In the latest issue of Rolling Stone, millions of subscribers and magazine rack browsers are told that The Black Eyed Peas are the single greatest reason to be excited about the current state of modern music. Just think about that, more than any other act, music device or concert tour, this collection of four numb skulls are supposed to get everyone excited about music in the 21st century.

Que the sound of everyone laughing behind Rolling Stone's back. 

The Great "Standing Perfectly In Pose" Hope

In the article, which mainly focuses on Peas front man will.i.am, we're told about the band's blueprint for world domination: easily accessible tunes, a message of unity and the Pea's diverse band members themselves. All is fine right? The Beatles wrote catchy songs with broad appeal and told us all to "Come Together" didn't they? Surely we wouldn't begrudge The Black Eyed Peas of their success would we?

But halfway through the article, something goes horribly wrong and my once apathetic disdain for their music grew into an aneurysm that almost gave me a stroke.

It all starts when the topic of the band licensing their tunes for use in commercials begs the question - Do The Black Eyed Peas write songs or jingles? Either answer is legitimate of course. I can't imagine anyone looking to this band for profound meaning in their songs. "I've Gotta Feeling" , as well as their entire catalog is made for dancing and mellowing out, not deep meditation.

But will.i.am decided to avoid the question entirely.

"Since the 1960's, it's been a taboo for bands to fuck with brands, like they should only sell music. But music was never the prodcut. When you played in a bar, music drew people in to sell a ticket and drinks. The first music industry was published, because they sold sheet music. Beethoven? Verdi? They were selling aggregation, the ability to bring people to a concert hall."

Let me translate what he just said.

"We write jingles obviously."

And there's nothing wrong with that. It makes perfect sense given today's popular musical trends. Nothing is ever meant to last or stick with you. Top 40 radio is pure sugar coated gloss - ear candy that goes in one ear and out the other. The Black Eyed Peas fit well with the "jingle" crowd along with Ke$ha (do I really have to put a $ in her name?) and Justin Bieber.

But will.i.am's ambitions are too big for his simplistic musical aesthetic. But don't tell him his music is "simple"

Regarding "Boom Boom Pow": "It has one note. It ways 'boom' 168 times. The structure has three beats in one song. It's not lyrics - it's audio patterns, structure, architecture. Lots of people say, 'Black Eyed Peas shit is simple' and I'll be like, 'No, fool, it's the most complex shit you ever could fathom, that's the reason it works everywhere around the planet."

Let me translate again.

"I want to be more than a jingle writer, so I'm simply going to bullshit my way through an interview to show how avant-garde and edgy I am. Yet deep down inside I'm just a money hungry performer who is too ashamed to admit it."

When I think of complex beats, in fact complex anything, The Black Eyed Peas are one of the last things I would ever think of. If will.i.am and company make "the most complex shit you ever could fathom", then Nickelabck are a musical Stephen Hawking in Mozart's body with the rock n roll brilliance of John Lennon.

Will.i.am is too afraid to admit that he's just the flavor of the week. He's good at concocting catchy beats that are fun to dance to, but he wants so desperately to be more than that. The Peas essentially keep finding a fun way to do a really dumb thing. He wants his career's work to stand for something like The Rolling Stones', Nirvana's or Radiohead's catalogs do for them.

But if his music really is as profound as he says it is, why must he insist on proving it to us?